I woke and you weren’t there.
Memories remain
of last night’s play,
last night’s love.
Night’s elation,
morning’s despair;
words spoken solely for their sound?
It’s easier to make a bed
than a meaningful relationship.
Thursday 6 May 2010
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Hancock, Secombe, Sid and Ken.
Commentary
Terry Johnson takes well known, real characters and places them in plausible, realistic situations. Although fictional, Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick is based upon fact and a truthful and accurate depiction of the principal characters. It is firmly planted in real time and place. My first issue was to produce a pastiche that takes real characters and gives realistic yet humorous dialogue while being true to their character and maintaining pace and tension. I wanted to be as engaging as the original and retain elements of conflict.
My first task was to read Johnson’s plays and research his subjects; Williams, James and Carry On films. I learnt that James and Williams worked on Tony Hancock’s radio series before Hancock suffered a breakdown and didn’t record first three episodes of the second series. This situation gave me character, subject and setting in the same way that Johnson’s used the films. I simply had to research the period for context and historical accuracy.
I wanted to reflect Johnson’s use of period language, characterisations, themes and minimal stage directions. An example of idiomatic language is Sid’s “Gawd strewth” (Johnson (1998:48–my script:1); minimal directions, “laughs like a machine gun” (28-3). I wanted to maintain themes; Sid’s gambling, womanising, growing homophobia and money borrowing and Ken’s piles and, although illegal and more covert outside the safety of theatre life, homosexuality.
My final strategy was to maintain Johnson’s comedic dialogue and introduce tension not solely between characters but additionally from Sid’s concern with the telephone.
Bibliography
Campbell, Mark (2005) Carry on Films: Harpenden, Pocket Essentials.
Davies, Russell (editor) (1995) The Kenneth Williams Letters: London, Harper Collins.
Goodwin, Cliff (1995) Sid James: Padstow, Magna Books.
Johnson, Terry (1998) Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (1991) Imagine Drowning: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (1994) Dead Funny: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (2007) Hitchcock Blonde: London, Methuen
Stop Messing About Limited. Stop Messing About, A Kenneth Williams Extravaganza: Michael Kingsbury. Curve Theatre 16 Feb 2010 – 20 Feb 2010.
Wandor, Michelene (2008) The Art of Writing Drama – Theory and Practice: London, Methuen Drama.
Williams, Kenneth (1999) The Complete Acid Drops: London, Orion Books.
Word count 250. (excluding title and bibliography)
Hancock, Secombe, Sid and Ken.
Act One - A Holiday in France
Sunday 17th April 1955. A small BBC “green-room” with a couple of settees, kitchen table, chairs, stove and kettle. There is a door stage left and coat-stand beside the door. Sid, broad-featured, big-nosed and forty two years old is talking into a coin-operated wall telephone.
Sid Yes, about twenty knicker. ... Is it? Twenty-six pounds seventeen and six. ... Why not give me another two pounds, two and a tanner credit; make it a round thirty quid? ... No need to be like that.
Puts down phone, sits at table and reads script.
Ken (From off) Bonjour tout le monde. ‘Tis I. Here to entertain and make you laugh. (Enter Ken through door stage left: taller than Sid, fine-featured and aquiline nose ) Oh, it’s only you.
Sid And good morning to you, too.
Ken I thought everyone would be here gossiping away, catching up on the past few months’ separation. Talking of recent successes, future dreams. But no, there’s only dear old Sidney here.
Sid Gawd strewth. I’ve missed you like I’d miss my mother-in-law.
Ken Charming.
Sid Everyone’s in a meeting. There’s a problem.
Ken Oooooooh! I hope it’s a hard one. I do like a hard one – problem that is. (Laughs).
Sid reads, Ken hangs coat on coat-stand. He is holding a package.
Ken What’s the title? This week’s show, what’s it called?
Sid A holiday in France.
Ken Have I got a big part?
Sid I’ve no idea and no wish to find out.
Ken Cheeky.
Opens package - produces ladies head-scarf.
Sid Suits you.
Ken No, it’s not mine. It’s for Moira.
Sid That’s nice. Moira’s not here.
Ken I’ll give it to her later.
Sid Much later. She’s landed a part in “The Deep Blue Sea” and not signed for the second series.
Ken Bless my soul. You mean the film adaptation of Terry Rattigan’s play? Lucky Moira.
Sid I’ve got a part in it as well.
Ken Lucky, lucky Moira. Who’s replacing her?
Sid Andree Melly. She’s good and very pretty, had a part with me in Belles of St Trin’s.
Ken Your part is the scourge of all actresses.
Sid You merry quipper, you.
Ken You should keep your flies done up. Save your brain catching cold.
Sid Have you been rehearsing that ad-lib all winter?
Ken You’re the sort of swine who gets a girl drunk first.
Sid It’ll be bloody stupid to get her drunk after.
Ken tries to read Sid’s script
Sid Oi, hop-it. Get your own.
Ken Keep your hair on, luvvie.
Sid Don’t luvvie me or I’ll give you what for. I’ve been in forty five films. I’m a serious actor. One-take-James they call me on set.
Ken I’ve been in five films and I’ve played the Dauphine in GBS’s St Joan to great critical acclaim. I should play Shakespeare. (Overacting) “I’ll have grounds more relative than this – the play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.”
Sid If you played Shakespeare, you’d win.
Ken And your money would be backing the loser.
Sid Ouch, that’s below the belt.
Ken That’s your usual target. Your money goes on fast women and slow ponies.
Sid Now we’re talking money, could you lend me a few bob?
Ken That reminds me. You still owe me seventeen shillings and nine pence from last year.
Sid If you lend me twenty-nine pounds two shillings and thr’pence it’ll make it a round amount.
Ken Thirty quid! That’s over three weeks’ fees.
Sid I need to pay my Accountant.
Ken Turf Accountant I’ll wager. (laughs)
Sid Very funny.
Telephone rings
Sid (aside) That’s great timing. Just what I need. (To Ken) NO! DON’T! Don’t answer it. It’s not for us.
Ken No, we must. It might be something important.
Sid It’s not. It’s nothing important. It’s not for me, for us, for you.
Ken How do you know?
Sid Because (phone stops ringing). It’s stopped ringing, it can’t have been important. If it was important they’d have let it ring.
Ken Yes, no, yes. You’ve got me all of a dither. I’ve never been so dithered. (over-acting) “Perchance he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he knows not it tolls for him. ”
Sid Donne?
Ken I have been (laughs his machine-gun laugh ).
Ken This meeting - the one that everyone’s involved in apart from us - it’s taking a long time.
Sid Tony’s not here.
Ken I can see that, I’m neither feebly sighted nor stupid.
Sid (aside) Who’s been spreading unsubstantiated rumours? (to Ken) Tony’s not coming.
Ken He should take himself in hand then (laughs)
Sid No, it’s serious. He’s run out on “Talk of the Town”. Just left the Adelphi and had it away on his toes. Hylton’s furious, withdrawn permission for him to work for Auntie.
Ken Where does that leave us? No Hancock, no “Hancock’s Half Hour”. There goes that holiday I promised Lou. That takes the biscuit. When I say biscuit I don’t mean your ordinary, common-or-garden Rich Tea. No I mean the king of biscuits, the regal Empire. It’s been taken, snatched from our grasp before we’ve had the chance to savour the first morsel on our expectant lips.
Sid Don’t be such a fatalist.
Ken I’m not. I’ve never collected stamps in my life.
Sid I’ve heard they’ve recruited someone to read Hancock’s part.
Ken Someone else. Let me borrow your pen. (He writes)
Sid What are you doing?
Ken Asking Gault and Simpson to give me some extra lines. Now Tony’s not here I might be able to build up my part.
Sid You’re all heart you are. Tony’s troubled and all you do is think about your part.
Ken That’s ‘cause I’m a professional.
Sid Professional as a prostitute. Quite happy to roger everyone.
Ken You’re a fine one to talk. Look after number one, that’s my motto.
Sid reads, Ken writes
Ken I hope they’ve got a big name to read for Hancock. Perhaps an American. Ooooooooh, I read in The People that Bob Hope’s in England at the moment. Perhaps Main-Wilson’s got him. Have you ever worked with Bob Hope?
Sid No, but I’ve worked with his brother.
Ken I didn’t know he had a brother.
Sid Yes, No Hope.
Ken (laugh) Where did you work with him?
Sid At the Hall.
Ken Which Hall, the Albert Hall?
Sid No, bugger ‘all.
Ken Who writes your material, Aristotle?
Sid I’ll Aristotle you in a minute.
Ken Don’t be codd .
Sid And you can stop that. None of your nancy natter here. You can keep that to yourselves in your cottages or wherever you all live.
Ken As you like. This omi-palone’s dish down and vada le Script
Sid I’m warning you. I’ll give you a bunch of fives to your hooter or put my boot up your dish.
Ken No, don’t be like that. Let’s not get too rough.
Sid sits in a settee and lights a cigar, Ken sits at table, reads script and smokes a cigarette.
Ken They’ve done it again. My part’s not been given a name. They just refer to me as.... All I crave is a part with a name but what do I get? I’ll tell you what I get. Mistreated, I’m an artiste and all I get referred to in the script is...
Sid Snide
Ken Yes, Snide.
Sid And my character’s called Sid.
Ken No need to rub it in. Oh, the injustice of life. Some people are habitually fortunate, I’m fortunate the days my haemorrhoids shrink to the size of Hampshire. I’m a martyr to my piles...
Telephone rings
Sid Saved by the bell.
Ken gets up
Sid No, don’t answer it.
Ken (picking up phone) Too late. (Into receiver in pompous voice) Good morning, Kenneth Charles Williams here. Who’s speaking?... (camp voice) Oh hello, how are you? ... Yes, so I believe. ... Oh bona, bona. (Pompous voice) Lieutenant Sidney James, star of nearly 50 films, one time South African and now a bone-fide Londoner, yes he’s here.
Sid is agitated and making signs to Ken indicating he’s to tell the person on the telephone that he’s not in the room.
Ken Really... No... You don’t say. Goodness me... Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs... Yes I’ll tell him... Good bye and thank you for calling... Do call again. Love to your Mother.
Ken puts down phone, sits down and continues reading the script.
Sid Well?
Ken Oh yes, I’m very well thank you.
Sid No. I mean, WELL?
Ken Well, what?
Sid Gordon Bennett, give me strength. I’ll swing for you if you carry on like this. Who was on the blower?
Ken I’m glad you’ve asked me that. I’ve just had an interesting conversation.
Sid So make me interested. Tell me...
Ken It was your friend, ... Dennis Main-Wilson.
Sid breathes a sigh of relief.
Ken He’s sending Hancock’s understudy down to meet us; should be here in two of shakes of a lamb’s tail.
Sid Will he? Who is it?
Ken Harry Secombe.
Sid Blimey O’Reilly. He’s that short, fat Welshman who had a shaving, sweating and farting act just after the war. Gawd help us.
Ken I don’t remember that. I know him from the radio; plays Ned Seagoon in the Goon Show.
Sid Goon Show, don’t think I’ve listened to it.
Ken You must be one of the very few who haven’t. You’ve probably been too busy with your hectic filming schedule to listen to the radio. ... Or too busy chasing ponies and fillies.
Sid (Ignoring him) Tell me about our new principal lead.
The telephone rings again. Both characters are startled. Sid reacts quickest and picks up then returns the receiver to the cradle. This stops the bell.
Sid So tell me about Harry.
Ken The Goon Show’s mainly written by Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers and they just play most of the junior characters. Story-lines are all centred around Secombe.
Ken realises Sid is giving him his full attention and now begins to act to his new audience.
Ken (Professorial voice) Neddie is a gullible but honest idiot who would lay down his life for his country. A lot of the humour is surreal and relies upon catch-phrases - (funny voices) “He’s fallen in the water.” “Needle, nardle, noo.” “What, what, what, what, what.”
Sid’s hands go to his head
Sid Oh my giddy Aunt. What are we in for?
Ken (snide voice) It gets even better. (funny voices) “I don’t wish to know that.” “Nurse the screens.” “Hello folks.” “We’ll all be murdered in our beds.”
Sid And these are the lines delivered by contemporary comedians. Gawd help us all.
Ken It’s only their characters. I’m sure Harry isn’t like that in real life.
Sid I bloody well hope not. Could you imagine working with a short, fat, sweating, farting Welshman who goes around reciting catch-phrases?
Ken Frightful thought.
There is a knock at the door
Ken/Sid Come in.
F/O Loud footsteps another knock on the door.
Ken/Sid Come in.
Door opens. Slight pause.
Secombe (F/O) Hello folks. What, what, what, what, what. I didn’t wish to know that. Raspberry.
Telephone rings.
Curtain
Word Count 1992 excluding title and endnotes.
Terry Johnson takes well known, real characters and places them in plausible, realistic situations. Although fictional, Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick is based upon fact and a truthful and accurate depiction of the principal characters. It is firmly planted in real time and place. My first issue was to produce a pastiche that takes real characters and gives realistic yet humorous dialogue while being true to their character and maintaining pace and tension. I wanted to be as engaging as the original and retain elements of conflict.
My first task was to read Johnson’s plays and research his subjects; Williams, James and Carry On films. I learnt that James and Williams worked on Tony Hancock’s radio series before Hancock suffered a breakdown and didn’t record first three episodes of the second series. This situation gave me character, subject and setting in the same way that Johnson’s used the films. I simply had to research the period for context and historical accuracy.
I wanted to reflect Johnson’s use of period language, characterisations, themes and minimal stage directions. An example of idiomatic language is Sid’s “Gawd strewth” (Johnson (1998:48–my script:1); minimal directions, “laughs like a machine gun” (28-3). I wanted to maintain themes; Sid’s gambling, womanising, growing homophobia and money borrowing and Ken’s piles and, although illegal and more covert outside the safety of theatre life, homosexuality.
My final strategy was to maintain Johnson’s comedic dialogue and introduce tension not solely between characters but additionally from Sid’s concern with the telephone.
Bibliography
Campbell, Mark (2005) Carry on Films: Harpenden, Pocket Essentials.
Davies, Russell (editor) (1995) The Kenneth Williams Letters: London, Harper Collins.
Goodwin, Cliff (1995) Sid James: Padstow, Magna Books.
Johnson, Terry (1998) Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (1991) Imagine Drowning: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (1994) Dead Funny: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (2007) Hitchcock Blonde: London, Methuen
Stop Messing About Limited. Stop Messing About, A Kenneth Williams Extravaganza: Michael Kingsbury. Curve Theatre 16 Feb 2010 – 20 Feb 2010.
Wandor, Michelene (2008) The Art of Writing Drama – Theory and Practice: London, Methuen Drama.
Williams, Kenneth (1999) The Complete Acid Drops: London, Orion Books.
Word count 250. (excluding title and bibliography)
Hancock, Secombe, Sid and Ken.
Act One - A Holiday in France
Sunday 17th April 1955. A small BBC “green-room” with a couple of settees, kitchen table, chairs, stove and kettle. There is a door stage left and coat-stand beside the door. Sid, broad-featured, big-nosed and forty two years old is talking into a coin-operated wall telephone.
Sid Yes, about twenty knicker. ... Is it? Twenty-six pounds seventeen and six. ... Why not give me another two pounds, two and a tanner credit; make it a round thirty quid? ... No need to be like that.
Puts down phone, sits at table and reads script.
Ken (From off) Bonjour tout le monde. ‘Tis I. Here to entertain and make you laugh. (Enter Ken through door stage left: taller than Sid, fine-featured and aquiline nose ) Oh, it’s only you.
Sid And good morning to you, too.
Ken I thought everyone would be here gossiping away, catching up on the past few months’ separation. Talking of recent successes, future dreams. But no, there’s only dear old Sidney here.
Sid Gawd strewth. I’ve missed you like I’d miss my mother-in-law.
Ken Charming.
Sid Everyone’s in a meeting. There’s a problem.
Ken Oooooooh! I hope it’s a hard one. I do like a hard one – problem that is. (Laughs).
Sid reads, Ken hangs coat on coat-stand. He is holding a package.
Ken What’s the title? This week’s show, what’s it called?
Sid A holiday in France.
Ken Have I got a big part?
Sid I’ve no idea and no wish to find out.
Ken Cheeky.
Opens package - produces ladies head-scarf.
Sid Suits you.
Ken No, it’s not mine. It’s for Moira.
Sid That’s nice. Moira’s not here.
Ken I’ll give it to her later.
Sid Much later. She’s landed a part in “The Deep Blue Sea” and not signed for the second series.
Ken Bless my soul. You mean the film adaptation of Terry Rattigan’s play? Lucky Moira.
Sid I’ve got a part in it as well.
Ken Lucky, lucky Moira. Who’s replacing her?
Sid Andree Melly. She’s good and very pretty, had a part with me in Belles of St Trin’s.
Ken Your part is the scourge of all actresses.
Sid You merry quipper, you.
Ken You should keep your flies done up. Save your brain catching cold.
Sid Have you been rehearsing that ad-lib all winter?
Ken You’re the sort of swine who gets a girl drunk first.
Sid It’ll be bloody stupid to get her drunk after.
Ken tries to read Sid’s script
Sid Oi, hop-it. Get your own.
Ken Keep your hair on, luvvie.
Sid Don’t luvvie me or I’ll give you what for. I’ve been in forty five films. I’m a serious actor. One-take-James they call me on set.
Ken I’ve been in five films and I’ve played the Dauphine in GBS’s St Joan to great critical acclaim. I should play Shakespeare. (Overacting) “I’ll have grounds more relative than this – the play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.”
Sid If you played Shakespeare, you’d win.
Ken And your money would be backing the loser.
Sid Ouch, that’s below the belt.
Ken That’s your usual target. Your money goes on fast women and slow ponies.
Sid Now we’re talking money, could you lend me a few bob?
Ken That reminds me. You still owe me seventeen shillings and nine pence from last year.
Sid If you lend me twenty-nine pounds two shillings and thr’pence it’ll make it a round amount.
Ken Thirty quid! That’s over three weeks’ fees.
Sid I need to pay my Accountant.
Ken Turf Accountant I’ll wager. (laughs)
Sid Very funny.
Telephone rings
Sid (aside) That’s great timing. Just what I need. (To Ken) NO! DON’T! Don’t answer it. It’s not for us.
Ken No, we must. It might be something important.
Sid It’s not. It’s nothing important. It’s not for me, for us, for you.
Ken How do you know?
Sid Because (phone stops ringing). It’s stopped ringing, it can’t have been important. If it was important they’d have let it ring.
Ken Yes, no, yes. You’ve got me all of a dither. I’ve never been so dithered. (over-acting) “Perchance he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he knows not it tolls for him. ”
Sid Donne?
Ken I have been (laughs his machine-gun laugh ).
Ken This meeting - the one that everyone’s involved in apart from us - it’s taking a long time.
Sid Tony’s not here.
Ken I can see that, I’m neither feebly sighted nor stupid.
Sid (aside) Who’s been spreading unsubstantiated rumours? (to Ken) Tony’s not coming.
Ken He should take himself in hand then (laughs)
Sid No, it’s serious. He’s run out on “Talk of the Town”. Just left the Adelphi and had it away on his toes. Hylton’s furious, withdrawn permission for him to work for Auntie.
Ken Where does that leave us? No Hancock, no “Hancock’s Half Hour”. There goes that holiday I promised Lou. That takes the biscuit. When I say biscuit I don’t mean your ordinary, common-or-garden Rich Tea. No I mean the king of biscuits, the regal Empire. It’s been taken, snatched from our grasp before we’ve had the chance to savour the first morsel on our expectant lips.
Sid Don’t be such a fatalist.
Ken I’m not. I’ve never collected stamps in my life.
Sid I’ve heard they’ve recruited someone to read Hancock’s part.
Ken Someone else. Let me borrow your pen. (He writes)
Sid What are you doing?
Ken Asking Gault and Simpson to give me some extra lines. Now Tony’s not here I might be able to build up my part.
Sid You’re all heart you are. Tony’s troubled and all you do is think about your part.
Ken That’s ‘cause I’m a professional.
Sid Professional as a prostitute. Quite happy to roger everyone.
Ken You’re a fine one to talk. Look after number one, that’s my motto.
Sid reads, Ken writes
Ken I hope they’ve got a big name to read for Hancock. Perhaps an American. Ooooooooh, I read in The People that Bob Hope’s in England at the moment. Perhaps Main-Wilson’s got him. Have you ever worked with Bob Hope?
Sid No, but I’ve worked with his brother.
Ken I didn’t know he had a brother.
Sid Yes, No Hope.
Ken (laugh) Where did you work with him?
Sid At the Hall.
Ken Which Hall, the Albert Hall?
Sid No, bugger ‘all.
Ken Who writes your material, Aristotle?
Sid I’ll Aristotle you in a minute.
Ken Don’t be codd .
Sid And you can stop that. None of your nancy natter here. You can keep that to yourselves in your cottages or wherever you all live.
Ken As you like. This omi-palone’s dish down and vada le Script
Sid I’m warning you. I’ll give you a bunch of fives to your hooter or put my boot up your dish.
Ken No, don’t be like that. Let’s not get too rough.
Sid sits in a settee and lights a cigar, Ken sits at table, reads script and smokes a cigarette.
Ken They’ve done it again. My part’s not been given a name. They just refer to me as.... All I crave is a part with a name but what do I get? I’ll tell you what I get. Mistreated, I’m an artiste and all I get referred to in the script is...
Sid Snide
Ken Yes, Snide.
Sid And my character’s called Sid.
Ken No need to rub it in. Oh, the injustice of life. Some people are habitually fortunate, I’m fortunate the days my haemorrhoids shrink to the size of Hampshire. I’m a martyr to my piles...
Telephone rings
Sid Saved by the bell.
Ken gets up
Sid No, don’t answer it.
Ken (picking up phone) Too late. (Into receiver in pompous voice) Good morning, Kenneth Charles Williams here. Who’s speaking?... (camp voice) Oh hello, how are you? ... Yes, so I believe. ... Oh bona, bona. (Pompous voice) Lieutenant Sidney James, star of nearly 50 films, one time South African and now a bone-fide Londoner, yes he’s here.
Sid is agitated and making signs to Ken indicating he’s to tell the person on the telephone that he’s not in the room.
Ken Really... No... You don’t say. Goodness me... Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs... Yes I’ll tell him... Good bye and thank you for calling... Do call again. Love to your Mother.
Ken puts down phone, sits down and continues reading the script.
Sid Well?
Ken Oh yes, I’m very well thank you.
Sid No. I mean, WELL?
Ken Well, what?
Sid Gordon Bennett, give me strength. I’ll swing for you if you carry on like this. Who was on the blower?
Ken I’m glad you’ve asked me that. I’ve just had an interesting conversation.
Sid So make me interested. Tell me...
Ken It was your friend, ... Dennis Main-Wilson.
Sid breathes a sigh of relief.
Ken He’s sending Hancock’s understudy down to meet us; should be here in two of shakes of a lamb’s tail.
Sid Will he? Who is it?
Ken Harry Secombe.
Sid Blimey O’Reilly. He’s that short, fat Welshman who had a shaving, sweating and farting act just after the war. Gawd help us.
Ken I don’t remember that. I know him from the radio; plays Ned Seagoon in the Goon Show.
Sid Goon Show, don’t think I’ve listened to it.
Ken You must be one of the very few who haven’t. You’ve probably been too busy with your hectic filming schedule to listen to the radio. ... Or too busy chasing ponies and fillies.
Sid (Ignoring him) Tell me about our new principal lead.
The telephone rings again. Both characters are startled. Sid reacts quickest and picks up then returns the receiver to the cradle. This stops the bell.
Sid So tell me about Harry.
Ken The Goon Show’s mainly written by Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers and they just play most of the junior characters. Story-lines are all centred around Secombe.
Ken realises Sid is giving him his full attention and now begins to act to his new audience.
Ken (Professorial voice) Neddie is a gullible but honest idiot who would lay down his life for his country. A lot of the humour is surreal and relies upon catch-phrases - (funny voices) “He’s fallen in the water.” “Needle, nardle, noo.” “What, what, what, what, what.”
Sid’s hands go to his head
Sid Oh my giddy Aunt. What are we in for?
Ken (snide voice) It gets even better. (funny voices) “I don’t wish to know that.” “Nurse the screens.” “Hello folks.” “We’ll all be murdered in our beds.”
Sid And these are the lines delivered by contemporary comedians. Gawd help us all.
Ken It’s only their characters. I’m sure Harry isn’t like that in real life.
Sid I bloody well hope not. Could you imagine working with a short, fat, sweating, farting Welshman who goes around reciting catch-phrases?
Ken Frightful thought.
There is a knock at the door
Ken/Sid Come in.
F/O Loud footsteps another knock on the door.
Ken/Sid Come in.
Door opens. Slight pause.
Secombe (F/O) Hello folks. What, what, what, what, what. I didn’t wish to know that. Raspberry.
Telephone rings.
Curtain
Word Count 1992 excluding title and endnotes.
PORTFOLIO
Reflection -
Clephan 3.01, 11:05am Monday - spring term 2011. Smattering of students are seated in auditorium. Lecturer and Gary (mature student wearing jeans and jacket) stand at the lectern.
Gary Hi, I don’t know if I’m a sophomore but I’m certainly a second year.
Lecturer laughs
Lecturer Come in. No handouts, sorry.
They walk in front of the lectern.
Gary It’s in three parts; a new short item, a drastically edited piece and a reflection. I’ll start by looking at the new piece.
Lecturer So did I. (Randomly pushing buttons)
Gary What about this? (Screen illuminates )
Lecturer What did you do?
Unfortunately, I had no idea how to tackle the task. I wanted the poem to be thin yet legible to those with strong eyesight or a magnifying glass. I visited the computer lab in Clephan and found out I could draw a squiggle with “tools palette” and write on this with “Path” text . A gradient effect recreated a realistic change of colour. The hair was thin enough but not long enough; the solution was to repeat the poem. This was printed onto a new pillowcase and I was left with the task of photographing it. I sought the advice of Dr Perril . He suggested my work was a “sight specific poem.”A student enters, sits in front row.
Gary I’m currently considering the potential commercialism of pillow poetry. Any Questions?
Audience 1 What about the reflection?
Gary What do you normally do?
Audience 1 Leave it to the last minute and write unimaginative rubbish.
Gary And if I tell you another way?
Audience 1 I’ll still leave it to the last minute and write rubbish.
Gary In that case, that’s what I recommend you do.
Audience 2 What’s a sophomore?
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Adeney A. (2007) So Scary! London. Franklin Watts.
Ahlberg A. (2001) Chickens in the Snow. Middlesex Puffin Books.
Astley N. (1988) Poetry with an Edge. Newcastle Upon Tyne. Bloodaxe Books.
Cassidy A. (2004) A Bunch of Balloons. London. Franklin Watts.
Cassidy A.(2008)Wizzard Gold. London Wayland.
Doyle M. and Parsons G. (2007) The Football Ghosts. London . Egmont UK Ltd.
Duranta A. and Mason S. (2007) Froggy went a Hopping. London. Evans Brothers Ltd..
French V. (1999) Iggy Pig at the Seaside. London. Hodder Children’s Books.
Gardner C. (2007) Turn off the Telly! London. Evans Brothers Ltd.
Gowar M. (2008) Finn and the Magic Goat. London. Wayland.
Harvey D. (2005) A Band of Dirty Pirates. London. Franklin Watts.
Hunter M. (1976) Talent is not Enough. London. Harper & Row.
Jordan L. (1998) How to write for Children – and get published. Great Britain. Piatkus.
Magee W. and Burnett J. (2007) The Three Billy Goats Gruff. London. Franklin Watts.
Moore M. (2007) The Magic Word. London. Franklin Watts.
Rampersad A. (Editor) (1995) The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes. USA. Vintage Books.
Roberts D. (2003 first published 2002) Dirty Birtie. London Little Tiger Press.
Shepard A. (2000) The Business of Writing for Children. Los Angeles. Shepard Publications.
Strachan L. (2008) Writing for Children. London. A & C Black.
Strand M. and Bolande E. (2001) The Making of a Poem – A Norton Anthology of Poetic Forms. London , Norton and CO.
Wildman E. (Editor) (1969) Anthology of Concretism: USA. Chicago Review.
Williams E (Editor) (1967) Anthology of Concrete Poetry. New York. Something Else Press.
Word count: 994 words excluding title, bibliography and footnotes.
Chloe’s Great Idea
Page - Picture: Chloe is standing with her arms folded. In her arms is her favorite toy.
Page - Chloe’s brother Paul often takes her toys. Sometimes he hides them.
Picture: Chloe is pulling drawers open and searching for something. Paul is watching her. He has a sinister smile and a toy hidden behind his back.
Page - Sometimes he watches them fly as he flings them in the apple tree. Sometimes he watches them swim when he slings them in the pond.
Double page picture: Paul is about to throw a toy. There are toys in the tree and pond.
Page - And sometimes he just buries them.
Picture: Paul is burying another toy.
Page - Chloe told Mummy but Paul always said it wasn’t him. “I didn’t take her toys. They flew into the trees by themselves.”
Picture: Mummy is talking to Paul. He looks innocent. He has a voice bubble, “They flew into the trees by themselves.”
Page - Chloe’s favourite toy was a rag-doll called Vengie. She loved her and looked after her very carefully. Paul thought Vengie might like to go swimming or learn to fly.
Double page picture: Chloe is clutching the rag-doll tightly. Paul is trying to take it from her.
Page - “How can I stop Paul taking my toys?” thought Chloe. “Perhaps cover him with bread and tie him to a tree so birds would peck him?” But she didn’t have any bread.
Double page picture: Chloe is thinking. She is holding half a loaf. Inside the thought bubble, Paul is tied to a tree and big birds are pecking at him.
Page - “Dunk him in the pond?” But she didn’t have a ducking-stool.
Picture: Chloe is thinking. In the thought bubble Paul is sitting on his bottom in a shallow pond. He is covered in pondweed and a frog is on his head.
Page - “Dig a hole and bury him right up to his neck?” But she didn’t have a spade.
Picture: Chloe has her hands folded across her chest. She is thinking. In the thought bubble Pauls head is sticking out of the ground.
Page - And then she had an idea. It was one of those special ideas that made the hairs on her arms tickle.
Picture: Chloe looks pleased.
Page - Chloe borrowed Daddy’s fishing line and Paul’s school jumper. Chloe wondered how far it was from the middle of Paul’s jumper to the end of his sleeve.
Picture: Chloe is kneeling and measuring a jumper. Beside her is a fishing line.
Page - Tying the fishing line around Vengie, she lowered her from an upstairs window until she landed gently beyond the garden gate.
Double page picture: Chloe is lowering her doll from an upstairs window. It is about to land outside the garden gate.
Page - Paul spotted Vengie. Now was his chance. He pushed his arm through the bars of the gate. Vengie was nearly within reach.
Double page picture: Paul is looking at the rag-doll through the gate.
Page - He stretched his arm, then squeezed his head between the bars until his fingers touched the edge of Vengie’s dress.
Double page picture: Paul’s arm and head is through the gate but not quite touching the toy.
Page - Chloe jerked the fishing line and tugged Vengie to safety.
Double page picture: “SNATCH”. Chloe is smiling as she tugs on the fishing line. The rag-doll is rising towards the upstairs window. Paul is shocked.
Page - “Help me, I’m stuck,” cried Paul.
Double page picture: Paul is stuck between the bars of the gate.
Page - “I’ll get Mummy,” said Chloe.
Double page picture: Chloe has a satisfied grin.
Page - “But not straight away”, she added quietly.
Double page picture: The whispered line is in a voice bubble and she’s talking to Vengie.
Word count: 299 words excluding picture descriptions and title.
Clephan 3.01, 11:05am Monday - spring term 2011. Smattering of students are seated in auditorium. Lecturer and Gary (mature student wearing jeans and jacket) stand at the lectern.
Lecturer (Addressing audience) I guess we’ll start. I rather hoped that more of you … Oh well, I’m preaching to… Today I’ve procured guest lecturer Gary, Creative Writing sophomore. He’s going to explain his treatment of last year’s portfolio assignment. I’m sure his experience will help you. So, without further ado, let’s give Gary a DMU welcome.
Only Lecturer clapsGary Hi, I don’t know if I’m a sophomore but I’m certainly a second year.
Lecturer laughs
Gary Portfolio is the final “Exploring” assignment of the year. It accounts for 40% of your marks and gives you the opportunity to demonstrate editing ability, creativity and your development as a writer since you started the course.
Two latecomers enter and stare at the first table. Gary looks at them.Lecturer Come in. No handouts, sorry.
They walk in front of the lectern.
Gary It’s in three parts; a new short item, a drastically edited piece and a reflection. I’ll start by looking at the new piece.
He hits a button and nothing happens.
Gary (To Lecturer) I thought this was ready.Lecturer So did I. (Randomly pushing buttons)
Gary What about this? (Screen illuminates )
Lecturer What did you do?
Gary Pressed the “on” button… This is my first draft and, for me, the most time-consuming part of the process. I had been thinking about Chloe for months, the germ of the plot tumbling in my mind during any spare moment. Chloe was no stranger to me. I’d met her during December’s 200-word short-story assignment. She was responsible for my first rejection slip; “not currently accepting… fraction too short… prefer series”.
A series with a central character who outsmarts their older sibling might be commercial. After all, Francesca Simon’s “Horrid Henry” books are popular with adults and children. Why not modern Jacobean/Greek revenger’s tales for under fives? I now had a plan and a project; complete “Chloe’s Great Idea” for the portfolio then re-write “Chloe’s Spell” and submit both to a publisher.
My writing process is simple; I edit ruthlessly as I write. This results in a relatively tight first draft; much tighter than October 2009. You’ll no-doubt recall the advice of Basil Bunting during a free verse poetry lecture, “cut out adjectives, adverbs, abstractions and every word you dare” . This advice also works for prose. Once I believe my piece is of a high enough standard I seek external advice from fellow students ; some I ignore and some I don’t.
New slide Gary Sally Jack was both astute and helpful. She suggested changing “pot-holing” to “burying toys” to aid understanding and changing “ruining” to “taking” to benefit from alliteration. Also removing “dirty” when mentioning “jumper” as this adds nothing to the story. Her comments helped maintain interest and pace and improved clarity.
New slide Having completed the story, I then described the illustrations that would accompany the text. This was transferred onto the final lay-out as many publishers prefer to receive picture book manuscripts in this format. New slide
Any Questions? The second task is the resubmitted and re-worked piece. In my case a rondeau entitled “Pillow Dent”, which sneaked a 2:1 largely due to the reflection. I took the tutor’s comment sheet to DMU hieroglyphic department and, armed with the translation, set about the first draft. This produced a better rondeau but lacked emotion.
Paying heed to Bunting’s words I pruned, slashed and removed as much as I could. (New slide ) The remaining words had the look of a powerful free verse and by the third draft this is what it had become. In my first term I would have been satisfied; I had changed the form and layout. The beginning, ending and subject had altered but I wanted to go one stage further.
The focus of my original piece, a hair and pillow, were no longer mentioned. I wanted the reader to have a sense of these and perhaps another format would be appropriate. I considered concrete poetry and was heartened by Emmett Williams’ words; “emphasis on poetry rather than concrete”. (Williams1967:page-v) This gave me license to retain both the words and meaning and put them in a more creative form: in this case a hair printed onto a pillowcase. (New slide )
Unfortunately, I had no idea how to tackle the task. I wanted the poem to be thin yet legible to those with strong eyesight or a magnifying glass. I visited the computer lab in Clephan and found out I could draw a squiggle with “tools palette” and write on this with “Path” text . A gradient effect recreated a realistic change of colour. The hair was thin enough but not long enough; the solution was to repeat the poem. This was printed onto a new pillowcase and I was left with the task of photographing it. I sought the advice of Dr Perril . He suggested my work was a “sight specific poem.”Gary I’m currently considering the potential commercialism of pillow poetry. Any Questions?
Audience 1 What about the reflection?
Gary What do you normally do?
Audience 1 Leave it to the last minute and write unimaginative rubbish.
Gary And if I tell you another way?
Audience 1 I’ll still leave it to the last minute and write rubbish.
Gary In that case, that’s what I recommend you do.
Audience 2 What’s a sophomore?
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Adeney A. (2007) So Scary! London. Franklin Watts.
Ahlberg A. (2001) Chickens in the Snow. Middlesex Puffin Books.
Astley N. (1988) Poetry with an Edge. Newcastle Upon Tyne. Bloodaxe Books.
Cassidy A. (2004) A Bunch of Balloons. London. Franklin Watts.
Cassidy A.(2008)Wizzard Gold. London Wayland.
Doyle M. and Parsons G. (2007) The Football Ghosts. London . Egmont UK Ltd.
Duranta A. and Mason S. (2007) Froggy went a Hopping. London. Evans Brothers Ltd..
French V. (1999) Iggy Pig at the Seaside. London. Hodder Children’s Books.
Gardner C. (2007) Turn off the Telly! London. Evans Brothers Ltd.
Gowar M. (2008) Finn and the Magic Goat. London. Wayland.
Harvey D. (2005) A Band of Dirty Pirates. London. Franklin Watts.
Hunter M. (1976) Talent is not Enough. London. Harper & Row.
Jordan L. (1998) How to write for Children – and get published. Great Britain. Piatkus.
Magee W. and Burnett J. (2007) The Three Billy Goats Gruff. London. Franklin Watts.
Moore M. (2007) The Magic Word. London. Franklin Watts.
Rampersad A. (Editor) (1995) The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes. USA. Vintage Books.
Roberts D. (2003 first published 2002) Dirty Birtie. London Little Tiger Press.
Shepard A. (2000) The Business of Writing for Children. Los Angeles. Shepard Publications.
Strachan L. (2008) Writing for Children. London. A & C Black.
Strand M. and Bolande E. (2001) The Making of a Poem – A Norton Anthology of Poetic Forms. London , Norton and CO.
Wildman E. (Editor) (1969) Anthology of Concretism: USA. Chicago Review.
Williams E (Editor) (1967) Anthology of Concrete Poetry. New York. Something Else Press.
Word count: 994 words excluding title, bibliography and footnotes.
Chloe’s Great Idea
Page - Picture: Chloe is standing with her arms folded. In her arms is her favorite toy.
Page - Chloe’s brother Paul often takes her toys. Sometimes he hides them.
Picture: Chloe is pulling drawers open and searching for something. Paul is watching her. He has a sinister smile and a toy hidden behind his back.
Page - Sometimes he watches them fly as he flings them in the apple tree. Sometimes he watches them swim when he slings them in the pond.
Double page picture: Paul is about to throw a toy. There are toys in the tree and pond.
Page - And sometimes he just buries them.
Picture: Paul is burying another toy.
Page - Chloe told Mummy but Paul always said it wasn’t him. “I didn’t take her toys. They flew into the trees by themselves.”
Picture: Mummy is talking to Paul. He looks innocent. He has a voice bubble, “They flew into the trees by themselves.”
Page - Chloe’s favourite toy was a rag-doll called Vengie. She loved her and looked after her very carefully. Paul thought Vengie might like to go swimming or learn to fly.
Double page picture: Chloe is clutching the rag-doll tightly. Paul is trying to take it from her.
Page - “How can I stop Paul taking my toys?” thought Chloe. “Perhaps cover him with bread and tie him to a tree so birds would peck him?” But she didn’t have any bread.
Double page picture: Chloe is thinking. She is holding half a loaf. Inside the thought bubble, Paul is tied to a tree and big birds are pecking at him.
Page - “Dunk him in the pond?” But she didn’t have a ducking-stool.
Picture: Chloe is thinking. In the thought bubble Paul is sitting on his bottom in a shallow pond. He is covered in pondweed and a frog is on his head.
Page - “Dig a hole and bury him right up to his neck?” But she didn’t have a spade.
Picture: Chloe has her hands folded across her chest. She is thinking. In the thought bubble Pauls head is sticking out of the ground.
Page - And then she had an idea. It was one of those special ideas that made the hairs on her arms tickle.
Picture: Chloe looks pleased.
Page - Chloe borrowed Daddy’s fishing line and Paul’s school jumper. Chloe wondered how far it was from the middle of Paul’s jumper to the end of his sleeve.
Picture: Chloe is kneeling and measuring a jumper. Beside her is a fishing line.
Page - Tying the fishing line around Vengie, she lowered her from an upstairs window until she landed gently beyond the garden gate.
Double page picture: Chloe is lowering her doll from an upstairs window. It is about to land outside the garden gate.
Page - Paul spotted Vengie. Now was his chance. He pushed his arm through the bars of the gate. Vengie was nearly within reach.
Double page picture: Paul is looking at the rag-doll through the gate.
Page - He stretched his arm, then squeezed his head between the bars until his fingers touched the edge of Vengie’s dress.
Double page picture: Paul’s arm and head is through the gate but not quite touching the toy.
Page - Chloe jerked the fishing line and tugged Vengie to safety.
Double page picture: “SNATCH”. Chloe is smiling as she tugs on the fishing line. The rag-doll is rising towards the upstairs window. Paul is shocked.
Page - “Help me, I’m stuck,” cried Paul.
Double page picture: Paul is stuck between the bars of the gate.
Page - “I’ll get Mummy,” said Chloe.
Double page picture: Chloe has a satisfied grin.
Page - “But not straight away”, she added quietly.
Double page picture: The whispered line is in a voice bubble and she’s talking to Vengie.
Word count: 299 words excluding picture descriptions and title.
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