Commentary
Terry Johnson takes well known, real characters and places them in plausible, realistic situations. Although fictional, Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick is based upon fact and a truthful and accurate depiction of the principal characters. It is firmly planted in real time and place. My first issue was to produce a pastiche that takes real characters and gives realistic yet humorous dialogue while being true to their character and maintaining pace and tension. I wanted to be as engaging as the original and retain elements of conflict.
My first task was to read Johnson’s plays and research his subjects; Williams, James and Carry On films. I learnt that James and Williams worked on Tony Hancock’s radio series before Hancock suffered a breakdown and didn’t record first three episodes of the second series. This situation gave me character, subject and setting in the same way that Johnson’s used the films. I simply had to research the period for context and historical accuracy.
I wanted to reflect Johnson’s use of period language, characterisations, themes and minimal stage directions. An example of idiomatic language is Sid’s “Gawd strewth” (Johnson (1998:48–my script:1); minimal directions, “laughs like a machine gun” (28-3). I wanted to maintain themes; Sid’s gambling, womanising, growing homophobia and money borrowing and Ken’s piles and, although illegal and more covert outside the safety of theatre life, homosexuality.
My final strategy was to maintain Johnson’s comedic dialogue and introduce tension not solely between characters but additionally from Sid’s concern with the telephone.
Bibliography
Campbell, Mark (2005) Carry on Films: Harpenden, Pocket Essentials.
Davies, Russell (editor) (1995) The Kenneth Williams Letters: London, Harper Collins.
Goodwin, Cliff (1995) Sid James: Padstow, Magna Books.
Johnson, Terry (1998) Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (1991) Imagine Drowning: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (1994) Dead Funny: London, Methuen.
Johnson, Terry (2007) Hitchcock Blonde: London, Methuen
Stop Messing About Limited. Stop Messing About, A Kenneth Williams Extravaganza: Michael Kingsbury. Curve Theatre 16 Feb 2010 – 20 Feb 2010.
Wandor, Michelene (2008) The Art of Writing Drama – Theory and Practice: London, Methuen Drama.
Williams, Kenneth (1999) The Complete Acid Drops: London, Orion Books.
Word count 250. (excluding title and bibliography)
Hancock, Secombe, Sid and Ken.
Act One - A Holiday in France
Sunday 17th April 1955. A small BBC “green-room” with a couple of settees, kitchen table, chairs, stove and kettle. There is a door stage left and coat-stand beside the door. Sid, broad-featured, big-nosed and forty two years old is talking into a coin-operated wall telephone.
Sid Yes, about twenty knicker. ... Is it? Twenty-six pounds seventeen and six. ... Why not give me another two pounds, two and a tanner credit; make it a round thirty quid? ... No need to be like that.
Puts down phone, sits at table and reads script.
Ken (From off) Bonjour tout le monde. ‘Tis I. Here to entertain and make you laugh. (Enter Ken through door stage left: taller than Sid, fine-featured and aquiline nose ) Oh, it’s only you.
Sid And good morning to you, too.
Ken I thought everyone would be here gossiping away, catching up on the past few months’ separation. Talking of recent successes, future dreams. But no, there’s only dear old Sidney here.
Sid Gawd strewth. I’ve missed you like I’d miss my mother-in-law.
Ken Charming.
Sid Everyone’s in a meeting. There’s a problem.
Ken Oooooooh! I hope it’s a hard one. I do like a hard one – problem that is. (Laughs).
Sid reads, Ken hangs coat on coat-stand. He is holding a package.
Ken What’s the title? This week’s show, what’s it called?
Sid A holiday in France.
Ken Have I got a big part?
Sid I’ve no idea and no wish to find out.
Ken Cheeky.
Opens package - produces ladies head-scarf.
Sid Suits you.
Ken No, it’s not mine. It’s for Moira.
Sid That’s nice. Moira’s not here.
Ken I’ll give it to her later.
Sid Much later. She’s landed a part in “The Deep Blue Sea” and not signed for the second series.
Ken Bless my soul. You mean the film adaptation of Terry Rattigan’s play? Lucky Moira.
Sid I’ve got a part in it as well.
Ken Lucky, lucky Moira. Who’s replacing her?
Sid Andree Melly. She’s good and very pretty, had a part with me in Belles of St Trin’s.
Ken Your part is the scourge of all actresses.
Sid You merry quipper, you.
Ken You should keep your flies done up. Save your brain catching cold.
Sid Have you been rehearsing that ad-lib all winter?
Ken You’re the sort of swine who gets a girl drunk first.
Sid It’ll be bloody stupid to get her drunk after.
Ken tries to read Sid’s script
Sid Oi, hop-it. Get your own.
Ken Keep your hair on, luvvie.
Sid Don’t luvvie me or I’ll give you what for. I’ve been in forty five films. I’m a serious actor. One-take-James they call me on set.
Ken I’ve been in five films and I’ve played the Dauphine in GBS’s St Joan to great critical acclaim. I should play Shakespeare. (Overacting) “I’ll have grounds more relative than this – the play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.”
Sid If you played Shakespeare, you’d win.
Ken And your money would be backing the loser.
Sid Ouch, that’s below the belt.
Ken That’s your usual target. Your money goes on fast women and slow ponies.
Sid Now we’re talking money, could you lend me a few bob?
Ken That reminds me. You still owe me seventeen shillings and nine pence from last year.
Sid If you lend me twenty-nine pounds two shillings and thr’pence it’ll make it a round amount.
Ken Thirty quid! That’s over three weeks’ fees.
Sid I need to pay my Accountant.
Ken Turf Accountant I’ll wager. (laughs)
Sid Very funny.
Telephone rings
Sid (aside) That’s great timing. Just what I need. (To Ken) NO! DON’T! Don’t answer it. It’s not for us.
Ken No, we must. It might be something important.
Sid It’s not. It’s nothing important. It’s not for me, for us, for you.
Ken How do you know?
Sid Because (phone stops ringing). It’s stopped ringing, it can’t have been important. If it was important they’d have let it ring.
Ken Yes, no, yes. You’ve got me all of a dither. I’ve never been so dithered. (over-acting) “Perchance he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he knows not it tolls for him. ”
Sid Donne?
Ken I have been (laughs his machine-gun laugh ).
Ken This meeting - the one that everyone’s involved in apart from us - it’s taking a long time.
Sid Tony’s not here.
Ken I can see that, I’m neither feebly sighted nor stupid.
Sid (aside) Who’s been spreading unsubstantiated rumours? (to Ken) Tony’s not coming.
Ken He should take himself in hand then (laughs)
Sid No, it’s serious. He’s run out on “Talk of the Town”. Just left the Adelphi and had it away on his toes. Hylton’s furious, withdrawn permission for him to work for Auntie.
Ken Where does that leave us? No Hancock, no “Hancock’s Half Hour”. There goes that holiday I promised Lou. That takes the biscuit. When I say biscuit I don’t mean your ordinary, common-or-garden Rich Tea. No I mean the king of biscuits, the regal Empire. It’s been taken, snatched from our grasp before we’ve had the chance to savour the first morsel on our expectant lips.
Sid Don’t be such a fatalist.
Ken I’m not. I’ve never collected stamps in my life.
Sid I’ve heard they’ve recruited someone to read Hancock’s part.
Ken Someone else. Let me borrow your pen. (He writes)
Sid What are you doing?
Ken Asking Gault and Simpson to give me some extra lines. Now Tony’s not here I might be able to build up my part.
Sid You’re all heart you are. Tony’s troubled and all you do is think about your part.
Ken That’s ‘cause I’m a professional.
Sid Professional as a prostitute. Quite happy to roger everyone.
Ken You’re a fine one to talk. Look after number one, that’s my motto.
Sid reads, Ken writes
Ken I hope they’ve got a big name to read for Hancock. Perhaps an American. Ooooooooh, I read in The People that Bob Hope’s in England at the moment. Perhaps Main-Wilson’s got him. Have you ever worked with Bob Hope?
Sid No, but I’ve worked with his brother.
Ken I didn’t know he had a brother.
Sid Yes, No Hope.
Ken (laugh) Where did you work with him?
Sid At the Hall.
Ken Which Hall, the Albert Hall?
Sid No, bugger ‘all.
Ken Who writes your material, Aristotle?
Sid I’ll Aristotle you in a minute.
Ken Don’t be codd .
Sid And you can stop that. None of your nancy natter here. You can keep that to yourselves in your cottages or wherever you all live.
Ken As you like. This omi-palone’s dish down and vada le Script
Sid I’m warning you. I’ll give you a bunch of fives to your hooter or put my boot up your dish.
Ken No, don’t be like that. Let’s not get too rough.
Sid sits in a settee and lights a cigar, Ken sits at table, reads script and smokes a cigarette.
Ken They’ve done it again. My part’s not been given a name. They just refer to me as.... All I crave is a part with a name but what do I get? I’ll tell you what I get. Mistreated, I’m an artiste and all I get referred to in the script is...
Sid Snide
Ken Yes, Snide.
Sid And my character’s called Sid.
Ken No need to rub it in. Oh, the injustice of life. Some people are habitually fortunate, I’m fortunate the days my haemorrhoids shrink to the size of Hampshire. I’m a martyr to my piles...
Telephone rings
Sid Saved by the bell.
Ken gets up
Sid No, don’t answer it.
Ken (picking up phone) Too late. (Into receiver in pompous voice) Good morning, Kenneth Charles Williams here. Who’s speaking?... (camp voice) Oh hello, how are you? ... Yes, so I believe. ... Oh bona, bona. (Pompous voice) Lieutenant Sidney James, star of nearly 50 films, one time South African and now a bone-fide Londoner, yes he’s here.
Sid is agitated and making signs to Ken indicating he’s to tell the person on the telephone that he’s not in the room.
Ken Really... No... You don’t say. Goodness me... Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs... Yes I’ll tell him... Good bye and thank you for calling... Do call again. Love to your Mother.
Ken puts down phone, sits down and continues reading the script.
Sid Well?
Ken Oh yes, I’m very well thank you.
Sid No. I mean, WELL?
Ken Well, what?
Sid Gordon Bennett, give me strength. I’ll swing for you if you carry on like this. Who was on the blower?
Ken I’m glad you’ve asked me that. I’ve just had an interesting conversation.
Sid So make me interested. Tell me...
Ken It was your friend, ... Dennis Main-Wilson.
Sid breathes a sigh of relief.
Ken He’s sending Hancock’s understudy down to meet us; should be here in two of shakes of a lamb’s tail.
Sid Will he? Who is it?
Ken Harry Secombe.
Sid Blimey O’Reilly. He’s that short, fat Welshman who had a shaving, sweating and farting act just after the war. Gawd help us.
Ken I don’t remember that. I know him from the radio; plays Ned Seagoon in the Goon Show.
Sid Goon Show, don’t think I’ve listened to it.
Ken You must be one of the very few who haven’t. You’ve probably been too busy with your hectic filming schedule to listen to the radio. ... Or too busy chasing ponies and fillies.
Sid (Ignoring him) Tell me about our new principal lead.
The telephone rings again. Both characters are startled. Sid reacts quickest and picks up then returns the receiver to the cradle. This stops the bell.
Sid So tell me about Harry.
Ken The Goon Show’s mainly written by Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers and they just play most of the junior characters. Story-lines are all centred around Secombe.
Ken realises Sid is giving him his full attention and now begins to act to his new audience.
Ken (Professorial voice) Neddie is a gullible but honest idiot who would lay down his life for his country. A lot of the humour is surreal and relies upon catch-phrases - (funny voices) “He’s fallen in the water.” “Needle, nardle, noo.” “What, what, what, what, what.”
Sid’s hands go to his head
Sid Oh my giddy Aunt. What are we in for?
Ken (snide voice) It gets even better. (funny voices) “I don’t wish to know that.” “Nurse the screens.” “Hello folks.” “We’ll all be murdered in our beds.”
Sid And these are the lines delivered by contemporary comedians. Gawd help us all.
Ken It’s only their characters. I’m sure Harry isn’t like that in real life.
Sid I bloody well hope not. Could you imagine working with a short, fat, sweating, farting Welshman who goes around reciting catch-phrases?
Ken Frightful thought.
There is a knock at the door
Ken/Sid Come in.
F/O Loud footsteps another knock on the door.
Ken/Sid Come in.
Door opens. Slight pause.
Secombe (F/O) Hello folks. What, what, what, what, what. I didn’t wish to know that. Raspberry.
Telephone rings.
Curtain
Word Count 1992 excluding title and endnotes.
